After reading last weeks articles about teacher response to student papers, I was given a chance to do just that. One of my co-workers, a "beginning writer," came to me for help on a writing assignments. I read it, an "analysis" of the movie, Blood Diamonds, and was, of course, horrified. I tried my best to offer helpful advice while keeping last weeks readings in mind, and waited eagerly for an improved draft. To my dismay, his paper actually got worse! He took out all the extraneous and off-topic details and replaced it with pure drivel. I began to think about the student/teacher binary. You are either one or the other, but it seems dangerous to think that once you are teaching a class, you are automatically given full reign without any checks and balances. Shouldn't the study of actual teaching be for all teachers and not just students of Education? If we tell our students to peer-review each others papers, why shouldn't teachers peer-review each others teaching styles? How about having a fellow teacher unobtrusively sit in on one of our classes (I write this as if I'm a teacher myself) and afterward give us feedback on how we did? Seems reasonable to me. I offer here an opportunity for you to do that, sort of. I will copy and paste my response to that students first draft. The content of his drafts are not important, I don't think, but I'll post it if anyone cares.
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Hey, I just read your paper. It's not bad, but there are a few things you can do to make it better. First, what are you trying to convey to the reader? The focus of the paper should be on addressing the issues raised in your first paragraph. You're right in your analysis of the meaning of the title, but you should show specific examples from the movie that support this. Instead of just giving a plot summary of the movie, use a few powerful scenes to illustrate the reality of what really goes on in the diamond industry of Africa.
The second paragraph can be condensed (it's way too long). Focus on a few really meaningful scenes that best portray what you think is the message of the movie. Focus on detail rather than trying to fit it all in.
I think you come closest to achieving your goals in the third paragraph. I want you to expand this. What tone, exactly, is the director trying to hit and how does he achieve it so well? The images of young, machinegun-wielding children is a step in the right direction, give the reader more examples like this and show us the effect they had on you while watching the film.
How does DiCaprio's greed drive him to do the things he does? Is the director trying to make comparisons between his greed and the greed of global consumerism/materialism? Are he and people like him the only ones to blame, or are we all to blame for participating in the consumption of diamonds that leads to so much suffering and devaluation of human life?
The last paragraph, as it currently is, seems unnecessary in a critical analysis of the film. If you think it is important, then tie it in with the your main point. Why did audiences like the movie so much? Why does this issue have so much relevance now?
Your last paragraph in any paper should focus on wrapping up all of your points in a small and memorable unit of text. There should be no new information in your last paragraph. Use it to restate the objectives you sought to address in your opening paragraph.
There are some grammatical and stylistic issues with this paper, but those aren't important until you get closer to a final draft. One thing to keep in mind, however, is that when you're referring to events in the narrative of any story, you always use the first person. For example, instead of saying, "Solomon was separated from his family and was taken hostage to work for the warlord" it should be, "Solomon is separated from his family and is taken hostage to work for the warlord." I'll help you with grammar and technical things like that as you work on more drafts.
Hope this helps, sorry if there's too much information here. Let me know if you need more help.
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So there it is. It's a little wordy, I know. I tend to ramble when I write, but I felt there was a lot to say. You can critique this if you want, but my idea in posting this is to suggest that, as beginning teachers, which all grad students are, it might be important to consider looking at our own competence and effectiveness of our teaching. Or, have we already forgotten what it means to be students and comfortably assumed the role of gatekeeper?
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